018: When In Doubt

What kind of boss are you to yourself? What type of friend are you to yourself? When you’re working on a project and things are getting tough - what is that voice inside your head saying? Is it encouraging you? Or is it telling you that you’re not good enough? That you don’t have what it takes and that you should just give up. If you’re like me - it’s probably the latter.

We would never consider it okay for our boss to talk to us like that. We would never consider it okay for a friend to talk to us like that. But for some reason, when we do it to ourselves - we accept it. And far worse, this is always our first voice of feedback. Before we have a chance to look for advice from someone we’re already talking ourselves down. We need to find a way past that or else we’ll just get stuck in our own self-doubt.

First, we need to recognize that these are just thoughts. They don’t define us. They only have power over us if we give them our attention. That can be easier said than done and it’s helpful to have some tools to navigate this when it comes up.

Take yourself out of the equation. Let’s say your working on a grant and you can’t seem to get the description right. You’re beating yourself up over it, bringing up every mistake you’ve ever made to ‘prove’ why you’ll fail again this time. You need to step back and be objective. What would you say to a friend who was going through this? What advice would you give them? Step back from this being ‘your’ grant and look at it from the outside. Come up with the advice you’d give and write these things down. You’ll probably be able to come up with some great suggestions.

We tend to be far better at giving advice to others than we are at giving advice to ourselves. So take advantage of this any chance you get. Take yourself out of the equation - look at the problem for what it is and give the advice you’d give to a friend. Then follow that advice.

I also find there is a deeper aspect of this we can be aware of. Notice the advice that you are actually giving to friends. Especially the stuff you don’t think relates to you. When someone comes to you with a question or a problem, how do you respond, what do you suggest? Don’t let go of it once the conversation is over, but keep it tucked in your back pocket - you’re probably going to need it sooner than you think.

I know from my own experience that we often project our faults and weaknesses onto other people. By that I mean, the things we are often quick to judge others on are the things we need to work on the most ourselves. Next time you find yourself criticizing someone, ask yourself, ‘how do I fair in this department’? Can you improve? You’re probably noticing it in others because you already notice it in yourself.

The extension of this is that the advice we give to others is often advice we really need to hear ourselves. We’ve been processing a similar problem, and have a solution. We just often don’t notice it because we are too busy beating ourselves up. So when you give that advice to someone, hang onto it for yourself as well.

That’s the key to all of this - if you take the time to listen and then follow your own advice, you’ll be much better off than if you give into the self doubt.

-Steve